After four months off, and not even completing my last blog series (my sincere apologies!), I've been inspired and determined to write again! McPIFP originally started as a pay-it-foward project or something like a "mercy ministry", but as you saw, it drastically changed. I'm okay with this and I hope you are, too. I've decided to "come back" and write about my experiences as a woman of God. I may lose some readers (if I really even had that many... but one likes to dream! HaHa!) and I'm okay with that. I believe that God has designed this blog for His glory and for His ministry. I believe that He wants to use my experiences and my journey as a testimony of His love, faithfulness, and grace. The desire to share His goodness is burning in my heart right now. I'm struggling with even organizing my thoughts, because there's so much I want to say. Oh this is SO much fun and it feels SO GOOD to be back! =)
Here's the "A-HA!"
I have a white board on my wall in my apartment that was orginally designed to be used for studying. I still use it for that, but now I put scriptures on it that speak to my spirit that I want to study. I see this white board any time I walk through my apartment and it's been a great way for me to memorize certain scriptures and claim them over my life. The most recent one that I have is Psalms 34:4-5 I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. WOW! Those who look to Him for help will be RADIANT with joy! Those who look to Him for help will SHINE BRIGHTLY! Oh, when I first read this, my spirit leapt with desire! Oh, how badly I wanted to be radiant with joy! So I would read this scripture and claim it over my life, but my joy wasn't coming. I couldn't understand why. I was looking to the Lord for help and I was seeking Him, but I still wasn't joyful. Now FYI... this was during a particularly down time for me. I'll admit something to you that is kind of personal and my deepest fear. I don't even like speaking it, because it has no control over my life anymore. But my deepest fear WAS not being able to get pregnant/concieve. Anyone who knows my heart, knows that all I've ever wanted to be was a mother. I love children and I need them in my life. I've been wanting to be a mom since I was 16! So, now being almost 28 years old and still not being a mother hasn't been very pleasant for me. I've overcome it and have remained hopeful that all of my desires will come to pass. But it's amazing, isn't it, how that tricky old devil likes to grab a hold of your biggest weakness/fear, and make you think about nothing else?! Well, that's what happened to me after I learned that I had not concieved shortly after marrying my husband in December. It's not like we were "trying" to get pregnant, but I was shocked with how utterly disappointed I was when I didn't concieve. All my dreams were coming true at that moment... marrying this amazing man that God had designed for me.. so surely I was going to concieve right away, too? Surely God would immediately bless us! Right?! Apparently not, and I am SO okay with that. But the devil took hold of that disappointment in my heart and he made me think of nothing else, except for that ice cold fear that I would never have kids. It's an absurd fear, really... and I know that, but it still gripped me none-the-less.
I couldn't seem to understand why I wasn't getting over this fear and why I couldn't find my joy again. So when I found this verse, I kept it on my dry erase board for awhile just looking at it over and over again as I would walk around my apartment. I prayed to the Lord and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Okay, Lord.... I'm ready to be freed from this fear. I'm praying to you... where is my radiant joy? As I started reading more of the Psalms, I saw how David and Asaph would pray to the Lord. Honestly... they whined and moaned and told God their fears and frustrations. They simply talked to Him as a friend. Now I've always been a believer that talks to God as my friend.... BUT... have you ever noticed that when you're scared of something, you try to ignore it and pretend it's not there versus trying to deal with it?? Well, that's exactly what I was doing with my fear. I was telling God that I didn't want it, but I wasn't TALKING to him and praying to Him. I wasn't "venting" to Him or crying out to Him, as I would do to a friend. I wasn't being real because I was ashamed of this fear. It goest against everything in His word, so there was NO reason for it to have a place in my spirit. So... A-HA!!! There it was! The moment that I realized that God wants us to talk to Him as a friend. He is our Heavenly father... our daddy. A daddy who we can go to and vent and cry and share our fears and frustrations. He actually desires that relationship from us! Not just when things are going great and we're having our daily prayer times, but he ESPECIALLY wants us to talk to Him when we're angry, or hurt, or scared. Because, I believe... this is when He really moves in our lives. These are the times where He reveals more of Himself to us; where He speaks to us; and where He gives us testimonies of His grace and promises; where He fills us with hope; where our faith increases; this is when miracles happen!
So I prayed to the Lord and He answered me, FREEING me from all my fears! As soon as I started "venting", I was immediately stopped by His voice and was given a promise. He spoke to me that day and took away that absurd fear that was ruling my life. And guess what happened?! I was filled with RADIANT JOY! Just like that! =)
He wants to do this same thing in your life, friends! He loves you SO much and is just waiting for you to "vent" and whine to him, so He can speak into your life. Literally.. He's just waiting. I barely vented one sentence, before He stopped me with His truth. He was just waiting for me to be real, and to cry out, and to tell Him my fears. I encourage you to talk to God today. Be real with Him and yourself, and simply talk. You'll be amazed at how quickly His radiant joy comes upon you. =)
I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from
all my fears. Those who look to him for help will
be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will
darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in
my suffering, and He heard me. He set me
free from all my fears.
Psalms 34: 4-6
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